Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
