Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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