I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
