WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize