Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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