Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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