I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
