i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
