Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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