4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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