tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
