So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
