You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
