the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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