So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
