I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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