I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
