Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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