Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
