I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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