Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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