great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize