ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
