Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
