I need help removing her.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize