Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
