Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
