Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
birth control should be required to get into college
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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