I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
