I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i out mim tonsoeep
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