Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
honey bunches of taint.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
