In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
the room spins SO much faster in panama
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
