just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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