Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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