how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We are all done wearing pants today
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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