Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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