I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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