I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
