first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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