Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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