i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
