Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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