Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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