Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
