Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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