I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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