I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
