Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
