Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
