I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
