and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
