Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
