i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
