Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
