I was born with a shot glass in my hand
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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