I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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