It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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