My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
