And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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