I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
