Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
