I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
