I think I won the penis lottery.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize