so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
