We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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