There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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