I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
