mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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